I used to sit on the 21st floor. Now I am retired

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Quizzer, Blogger, Cynic, Lover (Part 2)

With due apologies to John Le Carre, this is about the small world phenomenon around me and not some spy novel or even about schizophrenics inhabiting multiple universes (sorry!). This is about the only four kind of people who I find myself surrounded by. Yes, the rest of you, sorry. Do remember that I've been nice to you on occasions.

If you have quoted from Simon and Garfunkel if someone asks you why you are this way, then you will probably empathise with what follows. If you couldn't comprehend the previous statement, do not have too much pity on yourself, you are free to read on anyway.

Quizzer:
You are always on the lookout. This gives an appearance of a predator - lean, mean, hungry, agile, ferocious, like a leopard. Except that this appearance is all in your mind and in your eyes. The body is mostly softer (putting it politely) and although you are hungry (food and quizzing go together like hot water and Horlicks), all you have to show for the leopard is the glint in your eyes.

A non-quizzer would think of this as manic obsession or a crazed streak. They are quite right.

Thus, you will not have many friends outside your circle of leopards. You will be known as a 'not a nice man to know'. You will read Dan Brown (half of it, and the rest on Wikipedia) and listen to Take That (once) to get all the facts right and establish the synapses which will result in a quiz question one day. You will even go down to the depths of Page 3 and find connections between Tejaswini Kolhapure, Shamita Shetty and Arzoo Govitrikar. Then, in conversation, you will rip Page 3 apart. You will have Take That for lunch, but comment on how Gary Barlow got a raw deal and should have held on to the band. In a non-leopard zoo, you will be the only one who will have any opinion about Gary Barlow. When someone else comments that he was cute, you will steer the conversation to manufactured bands and art and comment upon either Kavya Vishvanathan (current affairs) and Milli Vanilli (who?). Occasionally, when someone will recognise things like Milli Vanilli, you will comment sagely that after all Andrew Loog Oldham made the Rolling Stones and thus they were a Boy Band too. Soon, you would be engrossed in conversation with the two people who couldn't move away, in a party of four hundred. You would be find yourself talking in between a sixty-two-year old, who has actually heard of Andrew Loog Oldham and a six-year old, who understands Pokemon better than you do and thus is the object of fascination.

At work, you will have insightful (to you) things to say about everything, from CBSE exams to Flags of Convenience. Then, someone will bring up the latest Sensex crash. The other five people at your lunch table would look expectantly at the change in conversation and lament upon the losses they made yesterday. Suddenly, you will sweep in and start on how Calvin Coolidge could have stopped the Great Depression through preventive measures....By the way, Calvin is a great name. You anyway swear by Calvin and Hobbes. However, you frown upon (literally, visibly and not as in the dubious metaphor) anyone who will call Calvin cute. That's because, you actually find Susie Derkins cuter, plus, anyone who's clearly in so much pain as Calvin can't be reduced to cute. You will start on how Che has been appropriated on cute T-shirts. Although that day, Preity Zinta did look kind of cute in the Che T-shirt.


You do understand that it's difficult to switch from one car to another on a highway, especially if they are travelling in opposite directions, though Sunny Deol has done such things at occasions. You also realise that doing this feat four times in three minutes is impossible (especially if the highways are in different states). However, you can't see why people refuse to have conversations with you.


Blogger:
You wake up and reach for the laptop to either check your sitemeter or read bloglines. If you see a jump in hits, you would quickly do a blogsearch to find which new incoming link has been created. Your life revolves around getting readers for the trite and the tripe. You will read "...If we get 20,000 eyeballs, we want 30,000. The Internet, then, is tailormade for us, just because we can lure poor unsuspecting souls into free blogs such as this one..." and find it well-put and think why you couldn't have thought of something clever like that.

If being a quizzer makes you the opposite of the life of the party, being a blogger makes you the non-invitee. You will rather stay at home and read RSS feeds. You stop reading newspapers (which you call MSM) unless you need material for the blogpost. You will occasionally dip into your own life to manufacture long posts about nothing. You will feel the need to tell everyone about your latest trip to Maine, the trip to Pathankot where you got showered and the nearest restaurant. You would think that all three are equally deserving of an entry and a mention on Desi-Pundit (couldn't resist!). However, you will never be able to string a story together when in actual conversations. The long winded statements that you have started thinking in, are difficult to speak out in the real world. Especially, if you have to quickly write it down for 'tonight's post'.

The alternative side is that you develop a social circle spanning continents. All your friends are people you haven't met and wouldn't have seen unless Google talk had not put the option of sharing your photograph. You can't see how that is abnormal. Very soon, you start chatting and start pointing people towards your blog instead.

You tell people about the 1000 hits that you have got on the one day you blogged about censorship in China (when what attracted people was the mention of Gong Li and naked in the same post - Oops, I did it again). Firstly, you fail to see that people are uninterested. Second, you can't see that the three people who actually give a patient ear to you, are actually frowning upon (as in the dubious metaphor) your ostensible sadness at not getting visitors for the serious posts.

At times you do wonder why people are refusing to have conversations with you. However, you do not mind as it gives you material and time for another post.

Cynic:
You were an idealist once. However, you don't remember any of it. If a quizzer and a blogger are' 'non-happening' in parties, due to their reliance on stream-of-consciousness conversation, then you are completely opposite. You, being a follower of Hemingway or Hemingway himself, believe in economy of words. Thus, you build up a collection of short phrases and sounds which you can spring upon innocent bystanders. You call it witty repartee. You are reading this post, thinking of your witty repartee as a comment. You will probably never post it.

If someone talks about Page 3 (even a quizzer talking about the misfortune of B-grade star sisters), you will smirk. Heh.

If someone was to talk about Milli Vanilli, you will sigh. Sigh.

If Andrew Loog Oldham will be brought in sideways, you will utter a pithy comment on everything being an illusion. Pity.

In case you end up in an argument, you can quote Chomsky or Derrida or something. Something.

You would roam about stating things will not be this way, and the moment somebody wants to change, you will laugh out loud. Whatever.

Since society won't accept you, you will be forced to hang with books, music and the pack of leopards mentioned early on. You will not blog (sigh again) and might claim not to read any. Whatever.

Lover:
Obviously, the forces of natural selection have not been strong enough to prevent the blossoming of the above three species. This is because of lovers. That's all.

We prefer them to drink beer, understand what we do on Sunday mornings (quiz) and on weekday nights (blog). We like if they curl up in a corner with a book, while we attend to our passions (quiz, blog and the book of wit, what did you think?). We like if they make use go through edgy experiences, as we don't have the balls to do so on our own. This often takes the form of going to the gym, going shopping and going around. We also like if because of them, we get invited to parties. Sincere thanks.

11 Comments:

Blogger Shreemoyee said...

The blogger taxonomy is just right! Blog junkie is what I call myself.

Saturday, May 20, 2006 11:31:00 AM

 
Blogger Patrix said...

Why so little space for the lover? Not making much headway there?

BTW my Maine post never made it on DesiPundit so I guess you are right, they aren't really the 'best of the Indian blogosphere', as they haughtily claim.

Saturday, May 20, 2006 12:02:00 PM

 
Blogger dhoomketu said...

Shreemoyee, thanks.

Patrix, Ouch!! I guess the Maine post didn't make it for you wrote it. But yes, I agree, if it didn't make it, then it can't be the best! :-) Actually, just between you and me, all of our posts should, right? (hint, hint)

Saturday, May 20, 2006 4:02:00 PM

 
Blogger J. Alfred Prufrock said...

The fruit of rigorous research, brilliance putting the sheen on industry. There should be a PhD thesis in there somewhere.

J.A.P.

Sunday, May 21, 2006 4:43:00 AM

 
Blogger dhoomketu said...

J.A.P., yes. All we need is to find some sucker (I mean it in the best way possible) to pay for it.

Sunday, May 21, 2006 7:22:00 AM

 
Blogger Paavani said...

Hmm by the time you reach to 'lover' you were exhausted to write more. Anyway, I liked your views on 1st two.
I m new to your blog. Interewsting writer oops blogger ...

Sunday, May 21, 2006 10:55:00 AM

 
Blogger dhoomketu said...

Paavani, welcome to 22nd floor. Could have written more on lover actually, but couldn't maintain the same tone as the first two, for fear of retribution. Sorry. And Thanks.

Sunday, May 21, 2006 8:21:00 PM

 
Blogger corporate whore said...

and now presenting a wicked combo. Blogger + quizzer + cynic = lover.

Situacion numero uno: Imagine hanging out with some one who wakes up weekday morning, reads page 3. digests page 3 (for weekend queej) ,rips up page 3 at breakfast, sighs, makes out with you , sighs, and posts it on "tonight's post"!

Situacion numero dos : Imagine hanging out with someone who kicks your ass at weekend quiz, sighs, and after finishing "tonight's post" , makes out with you, sighs, curls up in the corner making demographic pie charts of yesterday's hits on his/her blog. Whatever.

Situacion numero tres: your worst nightmare, someone with a better blog (visitors from Fiji and bommasandra alike), a better quizzer (connect: something with whatever in multilevel ) and a bigger cynic (what a pity, that was something. whatever), and willing to cuddle you. On second thoughts, not so bad actually.

Sunday, May 21, 2006 9:54:00 PM

 
Blogger dhoomketu said...

Corp Whore, what's the probability of this happenning? Is this lover male or female? Where do I meet him/ her? Do you have the number?

Btw, got a visitor from Fiji about 2 weeks back!!

Monday, May 22, 2006 12:15:00 AM

 
Blogger Mr. D said...

Hmm... you do realise this is a rocking set of axes to segment or perceptual map. (up there with the 2 10-point axes we developed some years ago)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006 9:38:00 PM

 
Blogger dhoomketu said...

Mr. D, I agree. I agree. We should probably lay this axes on top of the previous ones... That would make it even more shexay!

Thursday, May 25, 2006 4:21:00 AM

 

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